I watched Marvel’s Ironheart, it wasn’t good. At six episodes, it somehow had too much and not enough going on, as if they’d cut out everything they could but still needed to establish characters for future projects forcing the paper-thin plot to be stretched to include them all. However, I’m not writing a review of Ironheart, enough of the worst people you could imagine have already done so, but more to talk about the real issue afflicting our society: Star Trek.

Unrelated to anything, but Ironheart tries to do this this diegetic title thing where the show’s name appears in the world. First one is cracks in a pavement, another is negative space in an overhead shot of a banquet. They also cut to this street sign for no reason and I feel it undermines the concept if it’s just… a printed sign? Also, it happens in episode 2? I get what you’re trying to do here Marvel but please try harder???

Now, Star Trek is the greatest show in the history of the universe but, to be specific, I’m talking about Star Trek: The Next Generation. Sure, I have a fondness for the others, but Star Trek TNG is the best one and I am willing to argue that till the end of time. However, as many such arguments have already been made (also by some of the worst people you can imagine), I’m not going to relitigate this on my website for my fantasy novel. Instead, let me paint you a picture.

Riri Williams was born in 2005 so she’s 20 max in Ironheart. She has a friendship with Xavier, who is the older brother of Riri’s friend Natalie. So, Natalie is probably around the same age as Riri as they were friends in school. I’m not sure how old Xavier is supposed to be but, since he’s presented as kind of a love interest, let’s sat he’s around 23. He can be a few years north or south of that, it doesn’t really matter in my calculus.

So, Riri and Xavier bonded over their love of Star Trek. Makes sense, it’s the best show ever, but what makes less sense is they bonded over Star Trek, as in The Original Series. You know, the one that ran from 1966 to 69, a mere 60 years ago.  Sure, Star Trek TNG finished up 8 years before Riri was born but how did she dodge the 7 seasons of 22 episodes that were likely still in syndication? When she reconciles with Xavier through a letter, obviously the thing she quotes is Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. Not Star Trek Into Darkness, film that came out in 2013 that is essentially a remake of the Wrath of Khan, but the film that came out in 1983. You know, the film that is widely accepted as being the best Star Trek film. That’s the one Riri likes, the good one. She doesn’t have time to waste on TNG, DS9, Voyager, Enterprise, or even the new Star Trek series made in her lifetime.

Normally, shows get around this by going “oh yes, PARENT loves that show/music/dance hall jive so that’s how I got involved in thing that wouldn’t otherwise been culturally prominent”. Ironheart doesn’t even do that, Riri just loves TOS. Because? Well, does there need to be a because? Does affect really need a cause? She loves Spock and the Kirk, you know, from TOS.

This isn’t how nostalgia works. The reason I got into Star Trek was I used turn on the TV at 4:45pm I would get the last 15 minutes of Star Trek TNG, aka the period in which the episode is resolved. One day, the end of the episode Masks, widely regarded as one of the worst episodes in Star Trek (when you discount the racist ones), and it was like a fever dream. Data has a mask on, Picard had a mask one, they were saying weird stuff, they were calling each other Masaka and Korgano. I was hooked. I needed to know more about this show. Turns out, it wasn’t all like that, but still I became a fan.

Like sure, it’s possible that Riri and Xavier had a similar experience and this anecdote was one of the many things cut from the show (Like the reason we’re supposed to be afraid of Red Hood. He can go invisible and bend bullets but an Iron Man suit seems a little bit stronger?) but that’s not what happened. What happened was the needed these characters to bond over something, they’re both kind of nerdy, so maybe it could be Star Trek. But it should be TOS because that’s the most famous one and we want people to recognise it. Otherwise, they’d have bonded over a niche, less recognisable thing and that level of specificity might make the characters seem more well-rounded and believable but at the cost of the audience just turning off the tv because they didn’t immediately understand a reference. Better to paint in the broadest possible strokes and add no believable detail because we only understand nostalgia as an abstract, commodified thing that is in no way tied a specific part of childhood and is inherently good.

Would the show have been saved if Riri instead loved Enterprise and Captain Jonathan Archer? No, no it would not. Would I have liked it? Well, it would have been the best thing in the show. Yes, that is a damning indictment of the show but man, loving Star Trek The Original Series is really emblematic of the shallow, paint by numbers nature of the plot. Maybe it’s about grief? Everything is about grief when you think about it. Maybe it’s about grief but also a way to set up the son of an Iron Man villain for future projects.

Also, unrelated to anything but:

How can Mephisto, played by who I thought was a cross between Adam Sandler and Nandor from What We Do In The Shadows but turned out to be Sascha Baron Cohen, and Red Hood (Off screen and off hood) both have slices of pizza when only one slice has been taken from the pizza? Also, why is the pizza cut like that? Is this an American thing? I don’t have any safety crust with which to pick up that middle bit, I know I could use that pizza trowel thing but I don’t want to. Like I get that Mephisto is the devil and all but this feels like a step too far.